What is it when you feel a spark with someone? How is this elusive chemical reaction generated between two people? Everyone seems to be looking for it on the first date, and if they don’t get it, they’re done…hence the expression “I didn’t feel the spark”. I can’t tell you how to generate the spark, but I can tell you how to be in the best frame of mind to let it ignite naturally. I’ll set about doing so by sharing one particular experience.

I once went on a date with a girl who spent two of the three hours talking about her ex-boyfriend. It turned out she was in one of those relationships where she got badly burnt by falling madly in love with a Grade A narcissist. So when I arrived at the date excited to meet her, she arrived looking for yet another person to download her story to, presumably as a form of catharsis. Her eyes were glazed over right from the outset, like a zombie waiting for the opportune time to drop the story of how it all went wrong.

Besides the incredible waste of time listening to how in-love she was with this man, we did share lots of common interests and there could have been something meaningful to build on. When I arrived home she texted me saying “thank you for the date”, adding that she didn’t feel anything romantic. I wasn’t surprised, but I was still irked that she went into the date in that headspace. I thanked her too and set about my usual activities. The next day she began texting me, which was odd given the pace at which she had extinguished the flame. I responded politely but was a little aloof given I was moving on with other opportunities. She continued texting me frequently. Her advances seemed to heat up with the frequency of requests to hang out. I was wondering if she did indeed like me, but had spoiled the lead up by rabbiting on about her ex. Around the same time I had found someone else and was moving forward with that relationship. Even still the girl maintained a friendship with me, knowing I was dating others, but still wanting to hang out…as friends.

The point is, she determined the type of relationship she was going to have with me the minute she decided to use me as a sounding board to hear about her pain. It wasn’t a conscious decision by her, she was hurt and needed to talk about it. She wasn’t in the right headspace to date, and she blocked OUR spark from the get go. It was a shame because on paper we were really compatible. Now, could the spark be regenerated? Well not really, because I was now privy to a dark part of her life where she was so madly in love with someone else,… how could I ever live up to that type of intensity? It’s a lot of baggage to take into a new relationship.

For there to be a spark shared between two daters, they both need to be clear of their past relationships. They both need to arrive at the date in a good headspace. If you’re going in half-baked, don’t bother at all. If you find yourself trying to squeeze in the date over a ‘quick coffee’, or you’re saying things like “I’ve gotta go meet this person”, leave it be. You’re wasting their time. It’s not a good sign that you’re ready to get to know someone.

When you arrive at the date open minded, committed to the moment, and clear of baggage, you’re giving each other the best chance to find that chemistry.